Learning about your self can be the hardest thing to do. I am often scared because under my control is a brewing, raging, uncontrollable fire waiting to burst out. Scared because I feel the fire trying to escape and my resolve is weakening.
I overanalyze everything. It is to make sure I am showing a lack of emotion. But underneath it all, I am yearning to be loved to the marrow of my bones. To the moon and back. For someone to wake up and say they don’t care about my flaws. For someone to say I have changed their life.
Every time a feeling comes in and threatens my façade, I block it. It is a bad habit that has fabricated itself into a defense mechanism. My gut tightens and my body tells me to completely lose myself in the emotion, but my mind screams NO! In this war my mind always wins.
So the fire is getting stronger than ever and I am starting to melt. My mind is faltering and allowing me to show emotions. But due to a lack of exposure, my emotions are to the highest degree when released. That is my fear. How long will I be able to fight it before everything comes spilling out?
Love is a terrifying concept. Especially to a person like me. Because of my powerful habit, I have never felt it.
I already know I will succumb to it: falling in love. The worst thing is knowing that you will lose a war you have fought for so long. It kind of makes me wonder why I bother preparing for battle everyday. But no matter what, my defense is ready.
Vying for my attention is what my heart has been doing for years. It struggles along with the boys who my heart morphs into. It feels neglected and it keeps fueling the fire in me. Ignoring my heart has become an obligation and now I do not know what wanting to change feels like.
Earning my complete trust is an honor no one has truly gained. The hard part about being closed off is that the secrets become heavy and there is no one to unload on.
In interims of no feelings, I am often completely blissful in my ability to control myself.
Never completely whole, but blissful.
Sporadically, someone comes in and has the potential to release my fire.
Instantly, my habit kicks back in. There is an intense battle that occurs and in all past battles my habit and mind win.
Daring myself to lose a war is my favorite game. It is easy to back out of a dare when it is with oneself. I can never keep a promise to my heart.
Early mornings and late nights are my favorite times. It is when no one is around to interrupt the silence that clears my mind. Silence is my purifier.
My body is in war and I do not know who is going to win. It is no longer a particular person who will get my heart; it is my heart that wants to assert authority over my mind. My body. My soul. My life. My existence.
Eternity will not wait for me to live life. It will come when it needs to claim me.
Why can’t I allow love to reach the marrow of my bones?
I know my truth and desire will burn my mind into glowing embers.