Lies Live Inside Me

Learning about your self can be the hardest thing to do. I am often scared because under my control is a brewing, raging, uncontrollable fire waiting to burst out. Scared because I feel the fire trying to escape and my resolve is weakening.

I overanalyze everything. It is to make sure I am showing a lack of emotion. But underneath it all, I am yearning to be loved to the marrow of my bones. To the moon and back. For someone to wake up and say they don’t care about my flaws. For someone to say I have changed their life.

Every time a feeling comes in and threatens my façade, I block it. It is a bad habit that has fabricated itself into a defense mechanism. My gut tightens and my body tells me to completely lose myself in the emotion, but my mind screams NO! In this war my mind always wins.

So the fire is getting stronger than ever and I am starting to melt. My mind is faltering and allowing me to show emotions. But due to a lack of exposure, my emotions are to the highest degree when released. That is my fear. How long will I be able to fight it before everything comes spilling out?

Love is a terrifying concept. Especially to a person like me. Because of my powerful habit, I have never felt it.

I already know I will succumb to it: falling in love. The worst thing is knowing that you will lose a war you have fought for so long. It kind of makes me wonder why I bother preparing for battle everyday. But no matter what, my defense is ready.

Vying for my attention is what my heart has been doing for years. It struggles along with the boys who my heart morphs into. It feels neglected and it keeps fueling the fire in me. Ignoring my heart has become an obligation and now I do not know what wanting to change feels like.

Earning my complete trust is an honor no one has truly gained. The hard part about being closed off is that the secrets become heavy and there is no one to unload on.

In interims of no feelings, I am often completely blissful in my ability to control myself.

Never completely whole, but blissful.

Sporadically, someone comes in and has the potential to release my fire.

Instantly, my habit kicks back in. There is an intense battle that occurs and in all past battles my habit and mind win.

Daring myself to lose a war is my favorite game. It is easy to back out of a dare when it is with oneself. I can never keep a promise to my heart.

Early mornings and late nights are my favorite times. It is when no one is around to interrupt the silence that clears my mind. Silence is my purifier.

My body is in war and I do not know who is going to win. It is no longer a particular person who will get my heart; it is my heart that wants to assert authority over my mind. My body. My soul. My life. My existence.

Eternity will not wait for me to live life. It will come when it needs to claim me.

 

Why can’t I allow love to reach the marrow of my bones?

 

I know my truth and desire will burn my mind into glowing embers.

 

 

Hey: A Modern Love Story

Hey!

It was great seeing you today

I enjoyed myself

 

Hey,

I was wondering

You know if you are free

Like we could hang out?

 

You and I

I think

It could be

Great

 

Hey

Just wanted to say that

I have never felt like this

I am finding it hard to stay grounded

Are you floating too?

 

Hey

I don’t know anymore

 

Hey….

Are you still mad at me?

Because

When you did that, I felt….

I never saw you yell like that

I think I found something I don’t like about you.

 

Hey,

Can we stop being miles apart in the same room?

 

Hey can you…?

Take me with you just once.

Take me to the place you go when you leave me.

 

Hey.

Are you in pain too?

I keep forgetting to ask.
Hey

I was hoping we could do that thing where we talk.

You know? I just wanted to hear your voice because I miss you.

That’s foreign for me. That desire.

I forgot how the simplest feeling like missing someone makes you feel alive.

 

Hey

When it left

Something in me died too

I keep wishing that never happened

 

Hey.

Hey,

I haven’t seen you in a while.

 

 

 

How Do I Write This Story?

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I want to tell a story.

 

I want to give the protagonist a beginning, middle, and an end.

 

I want them to enjoy childhood, go to school, fall in love, work, and find a passion.

 

I want them to encounter a problem.

 

Endure it.

 

Overcome it.

 

Learn from it.

 

I want there to be supporting characters that challenge, love, and nurture my protagonist.

 

I want my readers to see the human in the protagonist’s flaws.

 

I want the story to have the resolution that stories have.

 

But what if my protagonist is black?

 

How do I tell that story?

 

We are being killed before I can finish my sentences.

 

Insert Here: Its hard to let go

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I know you think you are special.

I know you were the first, the longest, the prettiest, or the last (for now). That’s why you are still here.

You are the one that told him about those shoes he wears all the time, he must still love you.

You were the one he did that thing to, and you are certain no other girl has experienced it.

He loves you he just hasn’t realized it.

You were the one that helped with his project one, two, three times. No other girl could have patience like that.

I get it girl, I do.

The other ones were for boredom, to occupy his time when you were busy. If he could he would spend all his time with you, right?

But he never did answer those….We need to talk

Texts.

And while you were pondering what to say, he was telling the other you that he had to deal with some bullshit (aka you).

I get it girl, I do.

Why leave when you have invested so much time? I mean you have been for (insert number here) years.

You have spent (insert number here) on him.

Why would you leave? So the next girl could get all the work you put in? Hell no.

 

I get it girl, I do.

I get it girl, I do.

Yea girl, you too, I get it, I do.

 

I thought that just because we talked long hours, and our bodies could be synced for days. I thought I was the outlier too. But we all have been touched the same way, manipulated by the same words, bitten by the same snake.

When are we going to realize, that we are all the same.

We really should leave.

No I get it, girl, I do.

You saw him yesterday?

I will probably see him….

 

(Insert day here)