Lies Live Inside Me

Learning about your self can be the hardest thing to do. I am often scared because under my control is a brewing, raging, uncontrollable fire waiting to burst out. Scared because I feel the fire trying to escape and my resolve is weakening.

I overanalyze everything. It is to make sure I am showing a lack of emotion. But underneath it all, I am yearning to be loved to the marrow of my bones. To the moon and back. For someone to wake up and say they don’t care about my flaws. For someone to say I have changed their life.

Every time a feeling comes in and threatens my façade, I block it. It is a bad habit that has fabricated itself into a defense mechanism. My gut tightens and my body tells me to completely lose myself in the emotion, but my mind screams NO! In this war my mind always wins.

So the fire is getting stronger than ever and I am starting to melt. My mind is faltering and allowing me to show emotions. But due to a lack of exposure, my emotions are to the highest degree when released. That is my fear. How long will I be able to fight it before everything comes spilling out?

Love is a terrifying concept. Especially to a person like me. Because of my powerful habit, I have never felt it.

I already know I will succumb to it: falling in love. The worst thing is knowing that you will lose a war you have fought for so long. It kind of makes me wonder why I bother preparing for battle everyday. But no matter what, my defense is ready.

Vying for my attention is what my heart has been doing for years. It struggles along with the boys who my heart morphs into. It feels neglected and it keeps fueling the fire in me. Ignoring my heart has become an obligation and now I do not know what wanting to change feels like.

Earning my complete trust is an honor no one has truly gained. The hard part about being closed off is that the secrets become heavy and there is no one to unload on.

In interims of no feelings, I am often completely blissful in my ability to control myself.

Never completely whole, but blissful.

Sporadically, someone comes in and has the potential to release my fire.

Instantly, my habit kicks back in. There is an intense battle that occurs and in all past battles my habit and mind win.

Daring myself to lose a war is my favorite game. It is easy to back out of a dare when it is with oneself. I can never keep a promise to my heart.

Early mornings and late nights are my favorite times. It is when no one is around to interrupt the silence that clears my mind. Silence is my purifier.

My body is in war and I do not know who is going to win. It is no longer a particular person who will get my heart; it is my heart that wants to assert authority over my mind. My body. My soul. My life. My existence.

Eternity will not wait for me to live life. It will come when it needs to claim me.

 

Why can’t I allow love to reach the marrow of my bones?

 

I know my truth and desire will burn my mind into glowing embers.

 

 

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Hey: A Modern Love Story

Hey!

It was great seeing you today

I enjoyed myself

 

Hey,

I was wondering

You know if you are free

Like we could hang out?

 

You and I

I think

It could be

Great

 

Hey

Just wanted to say that

I have never felt like this

I am finding it hard to stay grounded

Are you floating too?

 

Hey

I don’t know anymore

 

Hey….

Are you still mad at me?

Because

When you did that, I felt….

I never saw you yell like that

I think I found something I don’t like about you.

 

Hey,

Can we stop being miles apart in the same room?

 

Hey can you…?

Take me with you just once.

Take me to the place you go when you leave me.

 

Hey.

Are you in pain too?

I keep forgetting to ask.
Hey

I was hoping we could do that thing where we talk.

You know? I just wanted to hear your voice because I miss you.

That’s foreign for me. That desire.

I forgot how the simplest feeling like missing someone makes you feel alive.

 

Hey

When it left

Something in me died too

I keep wishing that never happened

 

Hey.

Hey,

I haven’t seen you in a while.

 

 

 

Insert Here: Its hard to let go

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I know you think you are special.

I know you were the first, the longest, the prettiest, or the last (for now). That’s why you are still here.

You are the one that told him about those shoes he wears all the time, he must still love you.

You were the one he did that thing to, and you are certain no other girl has experienced it.

He loves you he just hasn’t realized it.

You were the one that helped with his project one, two, three times. No other girl could have patience like that.

I get it girl, I do.

The other ones were for boredom, to occupy his time when you were busy. If he could he would spend all his time with you, right?

But he never did answer those….We need to talk

Texts.

And while you were pondering what to say, he was telling the other you that he had to deal with some bullshit (aka you).

I get it girl, I do.

Why leave when you have invested so much time? I mean you have been for (insert number here) years.

You have spent (insert number here) on him.

Why would you leave? So the next girl could get all the work you put in? Hell no.

 

I get it girl, I do.

I get it girl, I do.

Yea girl, you too, I get it, I do.

 

I thought that just because we talked long hours, and our bodies could be synced for days. I thought I was the outlier too. But we all have been touched the same way, manipulated by the same words, bitten by the same snake.

When are we going to realize, that we are all the same.

We really should leave.

No I get it, girl, I do.

You saw him yesterday?

I will probably see him….

 

(Insert day here)

 

 

 

The Boy Chronicles

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During my sophomore year I started to write about some of the males in my life, just as a past time. I decided to write vignettes about them, as I could divulge information but never allow readers to guess who the men were. These males are family members, friends, strangers, and even men who do not affect my life. These vignettes have been written sporadically over the past two years.

Each week I will publish four vignettes, enjoy!

 

The Boy Chronicles: Installation #1

#1

You are a spice. Cinnamon, like your smooth skin. Easy on the eyes. You make girls swoon with your words and Latin tongue. Fire you speak, or fuego that is.

But, I have always had a preference for ice.

You are the epitome of boy giving too much. Tell this girl that, tell another one this. Stop spreading yourself too thin, baby. Be real. Never fake. Say how you feel. Do not hurt my friend.

Wait, you already did that.

When I see you disappointment is plagued on my face because I know that you can be more than what you portray. I know you can be it all. Baby, maybe I am closed off because you seem unworthy of me opening my doors.

 

#2

Down. That is where you come from. But just because you are from down does not mean you are not special. You are everything we ask for. Caring, funny, attentive, and best of all you are a great listener. You love us. And we love you.

Your persona is more than what you wear and look like. You are more than what other people see. You are the surprise we got while waiting for the main attraction. When you speak we listen. Helpful.

Is it because of this that we are not with you. None of us want to make that step. Is it possible to love someone to a point that friendship is all one can imagine? If so, we have hit that point. We love you and you love us. That is all that matters to me.

 

#3

Mister, excuse me for writing my thoughts. You told me that you wanted to hear about me so here we are. I am the wind blowing trying to make you feel the cold I felt. I am the hail trying to make you hurt the way I did. I do not know if I love you. Is that bad?

To not know if love is in my heart for you?

Do you love me? I know it’s the question that sends most of you boys running. But I want to know if you love me. Not that it would change the past, but it would show me that in words you understand what affection is. Obviously you lack that in actions.

I know that she is not better than me. That is one thing you never have to tell me. I know my ability is way more than hers, but reminding you of your lost opportunities is never bad. Mister, excuse me for not saying what you wanted to hear.

I’ll walk away now.

 

#4

Baby.

You are too special to see what you mean to us.

You are too young to see what we see when we hug you.

You are too naïve to what we are trying to prevent you from.

We love you. But we do not want that for you.

They say you look like me. That makes me happy. Yet, you are becoming him.

I love him, but you more. I know it is wrong to say that one loves another more than the other, but I do, and she does too. Don’t hide your love from her like him. Do not depend on her like he does. Do not depreciate her life, like he does.

Be better. For her. For me. For you.

The Boy Who Only Liked The Color White

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I do not know why he harbors so much hate in him. But for some reason, he says my anger is the reason he denounces me. He says my face is the reason he denounces me. He says my skin tone is the reason he denounces me. He says my brash words are reason for exile from his mind and world.  When in fact it is his anger, his face, his skin tone, his brash words that are the reasons he hates me. But like the Nazis scapegoated the Jews, he scapegoated black women. He realized that he could not escape the dark skin that he hates on himself. So he hates the dark skin that has no beginning or end on my body. Just like the system has subjected men like him to prisons, he has subjected me to his psyche’s jail cell. Where I am locked and chained because every time he sees me he is reminded that my womb created him.  But has he forgotten that the color white has stains on it too? The color white is the reason he has denounced himself.

Well lets put it out there, you only like white women. You have declared war on your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, and me. But it’s already a lost battle, because the only way you could win is if you took a nuclear bomb and bombed your poisonous mind. You are the boy who only liked the color white and you are the boy whose mind is dying. When will you realize that you will never truly love your white woman until you love yourself? When will you realize that she should not feel superior to me because she is white? When?

When are you going to realize that you denounce yourself?

She should only feel superior because she is the only one for you. You should put her on a pedestal because you love her. The only difference between her and I should be that you love her and not me. But it is not. She is white and I am black. That is why you chose her.

Dear boy who only liked the color white,

I will not let you bring me into your deadly war. Stop blaming me for what you see in the mirror. I wont have it anymore.

I Simply Want Him More Because He Looks The Other Way

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I was inspired by the song “Crave You” by Flight Facilities and an article on Thought Catalog to write this post.

Boys have always been a big part of my life. But for some reason I cannot get them out of my conversations, even when they are not around me. Especially now. Everywhere I look there are crushes being formed, crushed, and reciprocated. I think it is because of college. But what I have seen the most is girls crushing on guys who have no idea they exist.

Now I am not going to act like I am above this phenomenon of crushes because I am a human and everyone has at least one crush that figuratively decapitates them. For some reason a friend told me that she thinks crushes are addicting. I asked her why and she told me, that there is never any rejection, so really everything is a fantasy.

“I simply want him more because he looks the other way”-Crave You by Flight Facilities

When she said that I figured it out.

I figured out that crushes were great past times. You spend all your time trying to get a person to like you, knowing that they will not give you want you need. Which is: 1) a relationship/sex or 2) rejection. It is the perfect purgatory because no one gets hurt. There is no awkward silences, bad dates, or sad rejections. If anything else happens the fantasy of the crush ends and one actually gets: crushed.

Boys are prone to this as well, so do not think this is a one sided situation.

Relationships are time consuming, so I think I see how crushes play their part in the dating world.

Does Valentine’s Day Suck?

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So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

Look, I am not going to feed you the whole “Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday! I do not want someone to do anything for me!” Isn’t every damn holiday a commercial holiday? Why is this one so different? Oh right I remember! It sometimes reminds people that there is this thing called love and that they do not have a romantic significant other to share it with.

Here is my viewpoint on Valentine’s Day: I think it is wonderful! Any holiday that says it ok to get chocolate (something I love), flowers (pretty things), and have most objects in red (my favorite color). I am totally for that holiday.

But the reason why this one might be my lowest, is because every Valentine’s Day I had a valentine. When I was little it was my whole class. Which means I had more boys giving me valentines than most people in their lives. Take a minute to be jealous.

Along with the 39 other valentines I had as a child, I also had my mother. She was the best valentine ever!! She got me awesome things!! As I got older, my mother became my only valentine.

I was content with that, I never yearned for a guy to be my valentine because my mother was always there. So understand my surprise when my mother said she did not accept my request for her to be my valentine this year and asked me who my valentine was.

I believe she is joking, but it made me think. What will I do when my mother decides she actually does not want to be my valentine? Will I become bitter like other people I see? Or will I buy myself some chocolate?  

I do not know what I will do, but all I know is that Valentine’s Day is a cool holiday and that a box of chocolate is sufficient in my eyes. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Why I Am Comfortable With Sitting and Waiting

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That is not me.

I Am Lazy.

Not in the I do not do work in college way. Not in the I do not want to be successful way. Not in the I sleep on the couch and eat cheetos all day way.

I am lazy in the romantic sector of life way.

I am the girl who sits and just looks at the guy she has a crush on. Seriously… To be honest I sometimes will not even look at him. Why? Its me.

I read an article about how you have to go after the things you want. Not completely right. I do not have to do anything damn thing I do not want to do. If I am comfortable sitting and doing nothing, it is my prerogative. But the only difference between me and all the other girls that sit around pining after boys is that there are no real reasons why I cannot go and get what I want.

I am a smart girl, so I never like guys that have girlfriends. I never like guys that are out of control. I never like guys that are complete assholes. I am a pretty, smart, and simple girl, so I like handsome, smart, and simple guys. It is truly that simple.

The problem is that I do not have any inclination to change the position I am in. I would rather wait for the guy that I like to come and tell me that he likes me or chill. Now some people…including this article I read, will tell me that I am so stupid because I could be letting love slip from my fingertips.

Sorry but I am totally old fashioned. I feel like the guy has to chase the girl. A girl chasing a guy is not for me. Now I am not saying that the chase has to be grand and over the top. I am simply saying that asking the girl out on a date would be nice.

So yes, I am that girl who is comfortable with sitting and waiting. The thing is, I am not always waiting for the guys I have crushes on. I am waiting for the guy who is brave enough to ask me on a date. I do not think there is anything wrong with waiting.

I am not waiting for my husband, life partner, or soulmate. I am waiting on a smart and simple guy. The guy I have a crush on is probably a great guy, I mean I would not like him if he was not. But the reality is that he could not like me, not like anyone, or is just chilling. And unlike other girls, I will not question his life choices. He has his choices, like I have my choices.

“You are letting love slip from your fingertips!” Since I am sitting and waiting, love was and is not in my fingertips.

“You have to go after what you want!” Sometimes what you want is not what you need, and that applies in many sectors of life.

What I need will come to me eventually in my life. If that happens to be my crush of the season, then it is a win win for me. But if not, I will watch my crush, while sitting and waiting for the brave one to come along. Who knows the guy behind my crush of the season could be that simple guy.

Sometimes sitting down and doing nothing is actually the best thing to do.

The Same Conversation

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Yes……you guessed it by the picture. I am going to talk about black men and white women. This is probably the 100,345th post you have seen about this discussion. Going to both a predominately white high school and college, I have this conversation a million times. So last night I put up a post about skin bleaching and I mentioned how if a man does not want to date you because you are dark skin or black that is his problem.

But seriously, it is his problem. As black women we cannot get mad at white women, unless some inappropriate words are said about black women by a white woman. Other than that we cannot get mad at white women for being with black men. Hell, do not even waste your time getting mad at the black man.

There could be plenty of reasons of why he is with a white women:

1) She was the only option

2) Circumstance means they are only white women available

3) He actually loves her

4) He only wants white women

Now reasons 1-3 are fine..I mean for me reason 4 is simply a shame. I do not get upset about it anymore because why should I get mad about a man that has obvious issues. I will never understand how someone can swear off a whole race of people. I mean I might not always say that all men are good looking, but trust I have seen fine men of all races that I would have no problem dating.

Earlier in the school year a girl said to me, “How could he not like black girls? I mean he is black!” After reassuring her that he was missing out and that she was beautiful, I thought of my favorite quote from Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon:

“Its all over his head, Hagar. Its his hair too…How can he love himself and hate your hair?”

The context of this quote is that Hagar is a beautiful chocolate girl with insecurities about her lover who left her, Milkman. Her grandmother then tells her this quote, saying that it makes no sense for a man to hate you when he is like you.

But unfortunately, that is some men’s realities.

I just want to say to black women, do not waste your minds on trying to figure this out. I mean I am all for talking about it because sometimes to get past things we have to talk about it. But do not stress.

To the black men who have this mindset: Do you. Do what you believe because by black women getting upset, you are getting a little too much power in defining black women. I will never let a man who does not like me, define me. The same goes for a man that does like me. The day I do that, someone please slap me.

To white women: Hey enjoy your chocolate! I am sure it will be a great experience and thank you for being open minded.

To end this: Black women cannot change that they are black, so accept it and the right man will come. But for now enjoy a piece of chocolate.

Being 101 (Can we really be the exception?)

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My favorite song from Alicia Keys’s new album, Girl On Fire is the song “101.”

This strong ballad has a beautiful piano backdrop. I love songs that are gut wrenching and Alicia does it with this song. The first time I listened to the song I thought it was just a love song. When I listened again I realized the message behind the song. Alicia Keys is a woman who is in a relationship with a man who is a known womanizer and has screwed over (mentally and physically) a 100 women before her. Obviously it is not a literal number, but Alicia is saying that she could be the 101th girl that changes everything for this man.

To be simple: she could be the exception.

The exception to a man’s rule is what most women want to be. The woman that changes a man and makes him think: “I think it is time to settle down with her.” Now Alicia realizes that she is the exception because she sees his actions towards her and knows her power with this man.

The problem with this “exception idea” is that some women want to be the exception so badly that they do not realize they are the rule. Everyone just needs to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You” to understand what I am saying. I think if you are being yourself in a relationship…the man should realize you are the exception before you do. I mean if I was the guy I would want to label my girl the exception instead of having some girl I am messing with label herself the exception when she is clearly not. 

The same thing applies for women as well, there is just that one man that makes you rethink all of your ideals. Now I cannot personally tell you how that feels, because it has not happened for me. I am still pretty firm on my ideals and plans for the future relationship wise. Right now I do not even know if I want to get married, but maybe someone will make me rethink that question.

Trying to be the exception is hard work. Being the exception is easy. Remember that people.

Listen to Alicia Keys’s song “101”